It has been argued for years which running form is best. In fact, runners also debate over nutrition, which strategies to follow, and which coaches’ advice to take. What they cannot debate is this: running is simple in that all any one person can do is put one foot in front of the other.
Whether speedy or slow, veteran or beginner, no one can do more than take the next step. It’s impossible. To take a second step, the first step must be taken.
It is often easy to become discouraged and think we cannot take the next step, the events coming in the next week, or even the next day. When faced with a looming, seemingly impossible task, it just seems like too much….something we can’t do.
It also often seems to be the next step that I don’t want to take. I look around me, and I see my last step and the step ahead and I eyeball those with envy. Why this step, Lord? Why not that one? Of course when living out the stage of life previous to the one I’m in, it was difficult, muddy, uphill and exhausting. But when presented with a new mountain to climb, I view it with fear and anxiety when it seems an overwhelming task, and feels like one at which I’m guaranteed to fail.
So I work harder. I have a list of things to get done, people to get back in touch with, recipes I want to cook, grocery runs I need to make, emails to send and care packages for Africa I want to put together. Somewhere in there I am working 35-40 hours a week and trying to exercise most days… and I feel like I need more hours in a day. This doesn’t include any volunteer stuff that I’d love to do. This doesn’t include time with Jason and fun things like date nights and such. And we don’t have kids.
Nowhere in any of that did I mention time with God, time reading or praying, or time just thinking about Him. We make our lists by our priorities; somewhere I have lost the most important “to-do:” Be still and know that I am God. {Psalm 46:10}
This type of schedule is rather typical for a 27-year-old American gal living in a city such as Memphis, TN. In fact, it’s light in comparison to those working full-time jobs and maintaining a pretty steady social life. People work more than I do and seem to be just fine or they’ve done a great job foolin’ me. We are in a recession after all… some people are working two jobs.
In Uganda, work and life are not as separated as they are here in Memphis. Ugandans usually don’t have a job they go to as we do; they work the land or they are in the business or trading things or supplying things. They may be shop owners, from little dukas on the side of the road to clothes and jewelry and accessory shops. They may create gorgeous ebony carvings or useful baskets and come to your door to sell them. A girl may walk by my house selling bananas. My beloved neighbor Jennifer tends to her fields and her children all week long. A few times a week she will deep fry delicious dough to make mendez to sell at the market, which is the main source of cash she generates. Her crops are used for eating and trading for other useful things/crops. Her husband is a pastor so he makes money that way and also through raising livestock to sell.
Since returning home from Uganda, I am exhausted more often than not, and usually I don’t know why. A lot of it is re-entry and the time it takes to do that. But I often feel like I’m giving all I’ve got and I’m still behind. I became accustomed to a much slower pace of life and though I didn’t forget them, didn’t have the same responsibilities to answer to that I do here in the States. Six months is apparently enough for it to throw me off once dropped back into a faster pace, and leave me mentally and emotionally weary as well.
This type of lifestyle I’m referring to is what we mean by “the grind,” and “getting away from it all.” A fair question would be: getting away from what? I guess we mean our jobs….taking a vacation, taking time to relax. Taking time off from the hamster wheel that will run us ragged.
I don’t want to be so busy, I don’t want to feel ragged, and I don’t want to forget what I learned and how I lived in Uganda. I feel chained to this unnecessary, crazy busy, accomplishment society…chains that I must have allowed on me. I want to remember peace in all situations, whether in Memphis or Maracha. I want to remember appearances don’t matter. I love that in Africa your clothes don’t have to match or make much sense. It’s awesome. Clothes can’t be dirty though. Or bodies for that matter. They will bathe their bleeding child before they’d let me take her to the hospital while I’m chomping at the bit to go, but overall clothes are really about function. They look dressy for church and traveling. And while I won’t deny I have been happy to put together what was {I at least hoped}, a nice outfit, I know it doesn’t matter. Why do we let ourselves think it does? Oh my gosh, are we as a culture not so worried about what others will think about us, whether by appearance, how much money we make, what kind of job we have or where we live? This is the kind of thing I feel chained to. I don’t want to care, come on, it’s so ridiculous! But we do care, don’t we. It’s exhausting to try to keep up with. But is one more chain we add to the chains of accomplishment/education, and it will kill us if we don’t put them to death in our lives. We cannot do that if we are worried about others’ opinions more than our Father’s, and we cannot put it to death if we don’t believe that Jesus did that first at the Cross.
Paul Miller, in his book A Praying Life, talks about what it means to have the peace in your heart amid a life that keeps you so crazy busy it can feel like you’re a puppet on your own string. I love this. He writes, “It’s one thing to have a busy life. It’s crazy to have a busy soul.”
Our lives may be busy, but it is our soul that is longing for rest. Be still and know that I am God.
I really miss Uganda. I miss the beauty of land, the colorful flowers on the trees and how far you can see into the distance; I miss the precious people that I love; I miss the constant need I had to turn to my Bible for replenishment because I had no other option. I miss the fun things like buying pork on the side of the road right after it had been slaughtered, and my all-time favorite, the boda boda (motorcycle) rides we would take to the market in Maracha or on the way to town in Arua. I miss talking to my boda drivers, laughing with them, and the pure happiness from the moment we started driving to the moment we’d stop. I miss how crazy close they would drive in town, swerving in and out with each other, and yet knowing I wouldn’t fall off. Oh, glorious.
I have been struggling so much with wanting to return to Africa. Even just a few days off the plane I knew it would have been easier for me to tuck tail and run…make a U-turn, buy a ticket and return to the place of freedom from these expectations and social rules we place on ourselves. There are other rules there, and some that make as little sense as some of ours. But for me there was peace in following what God told us to do, and in following where he led. For the first time, I understood the verse, I run in the path of your commands for you have set my heart free. Psalm 119:32. I’ve always liked that verse but I hadn’t fully experienced it. My thoughts in the past had been something like, so I run in the path of your commands….ok, do what God says, I get it… and then I’ll be free. Like a solution for happiness. Sounds like a nice verse… kinda like “Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Ok, I want a _____________, maybe if I concentrate really hard I can figure out how to delight myself in the Lord. I mean, He said it, right? What did he expect me to do? Is this a trick? We know it doesn’t work that way. So we read the verse and move on, disappointed and unsure of how to make ourselves delight in the Lord.
I didn’t realize how much bondage I was in until my heart, my soul, and the full being of every ounce of me was set free in Jesus Christ. It’s tears of joy, it’s a motorcycle ride in Rwanda among the breathtaking valleys and hills, it’s my children dancing in the village, it’s the bride walking down the aisle to meet her groom.
You have set my heart free! I run in the paths of your commands….because you have set my heart free. I always looked at it the other way around: run in the path like arduous, painful running, meaning, just do what God says, and then when you do, I’ll set your heart free, meaning, you will be happy. Laws to follow to bring me what I want. And my mindset in the past saw this as, although subconsciously: because I think I know what will make me happy, I want to follow this formula.
I had it all wrong. David wrote this as an expression of his love for the Lord, that it is a joy to follow Him and be in communion with him. David is saying, I do these things because of what you’ve done for me! I give my life to you because you gave yours for me. I give my heart to you because you have redeemed it. It’s because I’ve tasted the sweetness of your love that I want to give you everything I have. It’s freedom from the chains of man’s expectations! It’s an overflow of joy in seeking the way the Lord has planned. It’s freedom!
In a word, that freedom means peace.
The mistake I’ve made is to forget that peace is Christ in me, and not in a physical place somewhere here on this earth. I’ve struggled and struggled with missing Africa and the people I so dearly love. Jason and I haven’t known where we fit upon re-entry and have had many periods of not knowing what to do, and many rocky days. Going back to Africa is what I’ve prayed for because I just didn’t get us being here. In the early days of re-entry I wore this stress physically. My shoulders would ache and at one point my arms and legs would hurt to the lightest touch. I can’t explain that…like I’d been beaten up. It was so weird. I prayed and prayed we’d be sent back to Africa. I’ve felt homesick for Africa, frustrated to be back at what seemed to be Square One, felt depressed and a lack of understanding for why we’d go at all just to be back and return to our old way of life. We prayed and prayed about what to do. I didn’t feel God’s presence. I prayed some more. We thought a lot about Uganda, and Rwanda as well because we visited at the end of our time there. We fell in love with a people and place in a matter of just a few days.
But that is not the step God has told us to take. Jason and I both feel that God has us here in Memphis for the time being, whether that is 5 years or 10 years, we don’t know. I do long for Africa but I know if and when the timing is right God will give us both the calling to go.
This step is not the one I wanted. I miss Africa with everything in me. I think about it constantly… I think about my family in the village during the day and know it’s almost night for them, and I know they are going to the borehole to fetch water and bringing in the livestock. I think about Africa when I wake up…. like what I’d be doing first thing in the morning. I’d set the solar panel out on the way to the latrine. I’d hear greetings of “Good morning!” and “How was your night?” in Lugbara before I even made it back to the house. I’d have some tea and have time to sit and read. Or I may have prepared dough for naan and lit the charcoal fire before it got too hot. I may have played with my kids next door, or maybe the mama goat gave birth the night before so I got to see a brand-new wobbly little creation.
I like that last step in Africa. My mind looks back to it with fond memory, almost forgets how hard it was, and shifts ahead to the possible next steps. But as it is for any runner, our last step got us to where we are now, and this step will lead us where God guides us next, and each step to follow after that. Jason and I also have a love for Scotland and Mexico and have prayed about possible opportunities for missions there. More than anything, though, whichever continent we’re on, we want to say: Lord, you lead the way. You are our home. You are where we have peace. Although I wanted to skip this lil’ ole step and jump on to Uganda, that’s really not what I want if he does not take us there. We don’t know if we’ll ever go back to Africa. We told the Lord we’d go anywhere and do anything, and like Moses said, “Lord, if your presence will not go with us, do not take us from here.” {Exodus 33:15)
As we are adjusting to this next step in life, we have so many things to be thankful for that it’s just awesome. I prayed that God would give Jason a job. I prayed that I wouldn’t forget what He had taught me in Africa. I prayed that I wouldn’t be comfortable back in my old, comfortable, egocentric lifestyle. I prayed for peace in knowing where we should be. I prayed for legal issues of almost 4 years ago to be resolved, which we have been praying for since they began. I prayed for a job for myself. The Lord has answered each of these prayers with a yes since returning home 3 months ago.
-I have been working at Fleet Feet (a specialty running store in Memphis), where I used to work, which kindly took me back in and has been such a blessing. I’ve also made some new friends there, which has been awesome.
-I will be working as an interim teacher for 5th grade reading at a school I have worked for before and love, beginning in a few weeks. I am so excited.
-I was told all legal issues are resolved and completely over without financial burdens on us. This has ended just shy of 4 years.
-I have peace in knowing the Lord has here in Memphis
-I am not comfortable 😉
-I haven’t forgotten Africa and am still learning what the Lord taught me there
-Jason got a job! And not just a temporary job, but a good job and one that we think he will really enjoy. He is working at a financial company in the IT department for customer support. If you know him well, you know he is techy and loves computers and is really good at that kind of stuff. He started on Monday and so far it has been good.
We have a loving Savior, you and I, one who delights to give us good things. He is our peace and rest. In Him, our hearts are free no matter how busy our lives are or how many expectations our culture puts on us. Do not believe the lies of self-worth our nation preaches in achievements and appearances! Take the freedom He offers in abiding in Him. It is so much sweeter!
In this step of our lives, I am incredibly thankful for each of you who has supported us in prayer and in finances. You have touched us in a big way, and we are still reaping the benefits from it. Thank you! We can’t say it enough. We are so thankful we were able to go to UG and it is because of God using you that we could. I am thankful for that and a faithful Father who is here as much in this step as in the last.
May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you both now and forevermore.
May you always follow in the path our dear Captain leads you, the path that brings you rest and a cup that overflows both in plenty and in want.